Love and its Types

Love is a force that all people have the ability to recognize regardless of religion, culture or personal experience. Although we don’t fully understand it, it is a part of everyone’s being. It can be defined as a feeling of strong connection and attachments which are persuaded by extreme delight and admiration, dedication and devotion to each other along with affection and tenderness.

Types of Love

Love can be categorized in three types.

Eros love – known as “erotic love”. It is based on strong feelings toward another. It usually occurs in the first stages of a man-woman “romantic” relationship. Eros is the word for sexual attraction or lust. It is quite simply, the urge to merge. It is generally dependent on the senses. It can come on quite suddenly and leave just as suddenly. This love is based more on physical traits. Say a person says he has “fallen in love” for a woman, because “she looked like an angel”. Or a woman “falls in love” for a guy because he is intelligent, has good breeding, etc. The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more on “self-benefit”, of what can benefit you rather than the other person. The fact is that love by feelings alone cannot be called “true love” simply because they do not know each other that much yet. Two people feel this strong emotional attraction towards one another, though they barely really know about each other’s personalities. A person usually puts her/his best foot forward, showing only her/his good side. In order to be sure if “true love” exists, two people must know and accept each others’ good and bad traits. It is love that is untested by hardships, and therefore may or may not last in the long-term. It may or may not develop into a higher form of love – philos love. Eros love can only succeed in the long-term if it progresses into a higher form of love. Otherwise, it will not last. The romantic feeling common in “eros love” is natural, and an important part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Romance also plays a role in strengthening the bonds, especially at the start of a relationship. What we need to be careful of is assuming a relationship must be “real love” just because it is romantic, because all we feel is happiness. As with most anything in life, we must learn to use both our heart and mind to judge if something is real.

Media has romanticized this type of love too much. Common people are carried away from reality and are lost in imaginations. When they try to practice their imaginations in real life, it creates a lot of problems because reality is different from what is shown in the media. Based on this love, a new term is formed in western culture – single parent- though parents are always two. When both the individuals get all the physical benefits of each other, they separate and one has to take care of the kids. He/she is then called a single parent. This is the reason this type of love is highly discouraged in eastern culture.

Philos love – a love based on friendship between two people. Philos is the love one feels for a relative or close friend, often referred to as ‘brotherly love’. Friendship is the foundation of a successful relationship. This is true whether it is marriage, or boyfriend-girlfriend relationship between family members, relationship with co-workers, employer, etc. In the case of a man-woman romantic relationship, the advantage is you get to know each other first, before committing to a more serious relationship above friendship.

You start out as friends, then admire each other, then possibly strong emotions can suddenly appear over time and you both realize you miss each other more. It takes time, and is patient.

This is in contrast to a man-woman romantic relationship which starts out by “eros love”, meaning you get attracted by physical/mental traits alone. Strong emotions start almost immediately (some would even say “love at first sight”), though you do not even know each other that much.

With eros love, you see only each other’s strengths/good sides; everything is rosy, mushy feeling of happiness, etc. Again, you cannot judge “real love” between two people based on strong emotions alone.

In Philos love, two people benefit each other in a mutual way. One partner is still concerned with what she/he can take, but at the same time is also concerned with her/his partner’s benefit and therefore gives back in return.

Therefore, Philos is a higher type of love than eros. Philos love is a mutual, “give-and take” relationship, while eros love is a self-based, form of love that is more concerned with the “self” or self-benefit.

There always has been some confusion between true love and the passionate affection one has for a member of the opposite sex. The latter is meaningless without the former and, if those passions are followed through to the ultimate conclusion without real love, the two people involved may feel empty, cheated and hurt. How do you know that a person who professes to love you really loves you? The answer is simple – time. If love is true, the commitment remains constant through the best and worst of circumstances. It is no wonder that today’s young people are more confused than ever about love. The best modern definition for this love is: The commitment one makes to the best interest of another person, now and in the future.

Like eros love, philos love must develop into a higher form of love, the highest love of all – “agape” or unconditional love.

Agape – unconditional love

The third and highest type of love is “agape”, or unconditional love. Agape, a noun, is the most powerful word imaginable for love.

Agape love is above philos love and eros love. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit her/him in any way. Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love (even without any self-benefit).

Say, you help out a person, even though that person hates you and curses you. Or you take insults from your partner without hitting back, all the while forgiving and praying for your partner to amend her/his ways. Or the famed “unconditional love” that a mother has for her child (her child will always be the most beautiful child in the world to her, even with a face only a mother could love!).

Or the love we show our parents, taking care of them and helping them in their old age. Just like they took care of us when we were young, it is done with or without benefit in return.

However, the highest type of agape love is not human at all, but divine – God’s unconditional love for us.

In essence, Eros love is “physical”, Philos love is “mental”, and Agape love is “spiritual”. Thus, it is made up of the three fundamental elements of man: physical, mental and spiritual.